I thought I would check-in with everyone since it has been a little while. I have a lot of random thoughts, so I figured that instead of trying to make too much sense out of them, I’ll just throw them all out there at you 🙂
First, it’s amazing to me how losing a lot of weight can change you and the way people react to you. I know there are a lot of people that say, “Losing weight didn’t change me, my personality, my relationships with others, or my life one bit!” and if that’s TRULY the case it’s not something I can relate to – but that’s great if you’re happy!
So, how has my life changed? Well, first off… I can’t tell you the last time I opened a door in public LOL! What I mean is that I’m sure I’ve talked about how poorly I’ve been treated by strangers in the past – whether they are making animal noises at me as I walk by a downtown bar with outdoor seating, or yelling things out their car window at me as they drive by, OR letting doors slam in my face when they walk into a convenience store or any other public building and I’m behind them. Let me tell you that NONE of these things are the case anymore.
I haven’t been publicly shamed in a long time and I’ve noticed a lot of men hold the door open for me when I walk into places. I’m not just talking about holding the door open for me when I’m right behind them either… I’m talking about standing there and holding the door open for me when I’m not even close to it yet lol. I mean, we all know that there is a certain distance that someone can be behind you when walking into a store where it would be socially acceptable for you to not hold the door open for them. I’ve noticed men standing there for an inordinate amount of time holding the door waiting for me to get to it. I find it very interesting. Does that bother me? Maybe on some level – only because I know that a year ago this was NOT the case – and certainly not my experience at all while I was heavy. But, I mostly find it interesting and fascinating!
My interactions with people seem to be different too; however, I think this is partly due to the change in my personality. At work functions, I’m much more likely to carry on conversations with people, I do act more confidently in meetings and people seem to be responding to it. This probably has a lot to do with my increase in confidence – I smile much more and I carry myself differently. I’m also not as concerned about what people must be thinking about how I look when they are interacting with me. All of the changes are positive ones and I can say with confidence, at least so far, that being thinner, healthier, and (looking better) does not have any negatives LOL
So, on to the not so fun part. I have really been struggling mentally lately. I’ve talked a little bit about this. The scale has not been moving very quickly at all and while I thought I was prepared for it, I guess I wasn’t. Not only am I losing more slowly (but still losing overall), my weight has been incredibly erratic from day to day – which is why I’ve said that I’m trying to stop weighing myself everyday – which has not been successful.
My hunger is also back. Hunger is not like it was before surgery, but since about 6 1/2 months out, I have been feeling true, physical hunger – coupled with an increase in capacity. I have increased my calories because of these factors and I know this is a main reason for the slow loss (coupled with the fact that I just have less to lose now!) My husband said to me the other day, “If you’re going to eat more, then you can’t expect to keep losing so quickly” and he’s 100% correct. So, I know I need to either go back to eating under 800 calories and less than 25-30g carbs like I was before, or I can keep doing what I’m doing and come to terms with the fact that the loss is going to go incredibly slow from now on and it will take me awhile to reach my goal.
The truth is that I’m not sure I have it in me anymore to be as strict as I was for the first 14 months of this journey. I really really do want to get to goal as soon as possible; however, I don’t know if that desire is stronger than my mental exhaustion from being so obsessed with doing things perfectly for 14 months and not straying from my path even the slightest bit. This is the internal struggle that I am having – wanting to get below 200 (I’m STILL hovering over it – ARGHHH!) and eventually to 180 or even 170 but also not having the mental strength to remain so incredibly focused. My whole life for 14 months completely revolved around this whole process and honestly, I want to let go a little bit.
What does “letting go” mean? I’m not sure. What it does NOT mean is quitting going to the gym, tracking my food, aiming for my protein/water goals, and striving to lose weight. It’s scary though because I feel like if I’m not 100000% super strict like I was before, than that must mean I’m giving up and being a quitter – right? That’s what my “all or nothing” irrational brain keeps telling me which is why I’m mentally struggling. Maybe letting go means not letting losing weight and food consume my thoughts 24/7. Maybe it means not getting worked up over eating more than 800 calories if I’m feeling true hunger? I guess this is something I have to figure out…
Just admitting these feelings makes me feel a bit weak and as if I’m giving up. I know that isn’t the case, so then why do I feel this way? I don’t know how it’s possible to feel like a success and a failure at the same time. I don’t know how it’s possible to feel so motivated and yet so defeated at the same time either…. I have a feeling it’s going to take me awhile to sort all of this out!