An update that is difficult to write, where do I begin? (long w/ pics)

Today marks 8 months since surgery and just under 14 months since I started this whole thing! I’m down 236.8 lbs in that time and I have so much to be thankful for – I can’t even put it into words. I’ve been trying to focus on the positive things going on in my life. Starting February 1st, I’m moving into a new role within my department as a manager, today I finished Week 5/Day 3 of Couch-2-5K and ran for 20 minutes straight (WHATT!?!), and I’m happier than I’ve been in a LONG time.

So, why is this update difficult? Well, I’ve been struggling mentally for the past month, since the time I hit the mid-210s on the scale, I have started to get a bit obsessive with how much I weigh, how much I’m eating, etc. I had gotten to the point a few weeks ago where I was weighing myself multiple times per day and letting that number affect what and how much I was eating. I remember one day a little over a week ago where I weighed in a 208.2 and the next morning was 209.8. I actually started to cry from frustration. NO. BUENO. I’m normally a rational and logical person. I know that fluctuations happen and I know this is normal. However, I can’t seem to keep that in my mind when I see the numbers on the scale. It is worrying me.

I had 3 different instances in the month of December when I exhibited old eating behaviors and “binged” on food. One instance was an entire day of it. The other two were eating a lot at once on two separate days – but the rest of the day was fine. It’s strange… but I have to admit that each time there was no difficulty getting back on track because I didn’t get myself upset about it. I thought that “falling off the wagon” so to speak would leave me feeling like a “failure” and I would feel an overwhelming sense of guilt… but I didn’t. I kept calm and reflected on the situation and tried to figure out why I did it. I guess I’m most bothered by the fact that I can’t seem to identify the WHY. I mean, what made those 3 days different than any other days of the past 14 months? Unfortunately, I haven’t come to any specific conclusions. I can’t pinpoint one particular reason – perhaps it’s just a combination of a lot of little reasons?

So… I talked these things over with my shrink last week and she’s very concerned about some of the behaviors and worrying that I’ve been doing. She flat out told me that she’s concerned that I’m going to develop an eating disorder – and to be honest, I think she has valid concerns. She has insisted I start easing into eating like what I call a “normal” person and incorporating more foods into my diet. She said something along the lines of (and I’m paraphrasing), “I understand that your plan was to go straight through until you get to your goal and then start adding things back into your diet… but from a mental health standpoint… I really think this is something you should get started with right now and get used to doing very slowly… so that you don’t continue to obsess OR go the other direction when you finally hit your goal and just immediately start gaining.”

Basically she’s told me that I need to start relaxing a little bit. The first rule of business is absolutely staying off the scale and only weighing once a week. From last Monday to today, I did that and it was honestly extremely difficult for me. Resisting the urge to get on the scale felt the same as resisting really delicious food. It was overwhelming. The second order of business was incorporating a little more variety in my diet. She has insisted that I do these things for one month, see how it goes, and we’ll discuss it at our next appointment. I got the impression from her that my “all or nothing” type approach… that has been fine until this point, is starting to become mentally unhealthy for me after 14 months of going at it so hardcore.

So, I’m planning to work on staying off the scale as far as changing up the foods I’m eating… I don’t know how I feel about it. I know that I’m going to have to start easing into a more balanced diet at some point; however, I really want to get to goal more than anything. I don’t know what the right thing to do is, but I’m going to take it day by day and see how it goes. I’m proud of everything I’ve done so far and I’m really going to work hard on myself mentally – try to relax a little bit and stop putting such intense pressure on myself. However, that does NOT give me an excuse to get lazy… I’m going to keep telling myself that everyday – for as long as it takes!

So anyway… here are my updated progress pics! I am SO unbelievably grateful for this new life I’m living… I can’t even put it into words!

Front_1-13-14 back_1-13-14 Left_1-13-14 Right_1-13-14

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14 thoughts on “An update that is difficult to write, where do I begin? (long w/ pics)

  1. Hang in there, because you look really good. Stay focus and don’t let the scale make you lose focus because it shows that you are on the right road. You are idol to us folks who have not had the surgery. Keep it up!!

  2. you know it’s really funny how similar journeys we’re on. Yesterday I did my weigh in and i was 3lbs down to 204 and then for no emotional or really logical reason lol I decided to have a cheat day. So I binged and you know what I didn’t enjoy any of it, but this was the first time I didn’t feel so guilty and the reason is because I have come so far that I know one day wasn’t going to set me back the 160lbs I’ve already lost. I was thinking that maybe the way I’m looking at the blip in my journey might be something you could apply or think about as well, if it might help. A journey isn’t one continuous path, we change up what we eat, how much we eat, how much we exercise, how we exercise eta. I think your body needs change every now and again, especially when you are losing, it becomes complacent. I have come so far and have only 40lbs to go to reach my goal of losing 200lbs in a year by april 15th and then 20lbs from that to reach my ultimate goal of 145, but you know what, my weight loss and yours (omg 236lbs=amazing 🙂 ) has already changed your life soo much. You can be active, you can feel normal-this one was a big one for me; and however longer you are on the journey doesn’t matter because your life’s already changed and will continue to get better. I can’t give you advice on whether or not to change what you are eating, I’m like you and very routine about everything and eat basically the same every day as well, but binging yesterday, made me realize how much I don’t desire my old eating habits anymore and how much I really do enjoy the way I eat and the amounts that I eat, etc. Maybe all you really need is a new perspective and sometimes it’s those missteps, ie. the cheat days that can point you in a new direction of thought. It’s trivial to say, “stay positive” and “don’t worry about the scale/food”, bc on these journeys it does matter to us, no matter how much we try to not let it, but my advice would be to sit down with yourself and remember what it was like 236lbs ago and how different life is now and how close you are to your goals, something that at over 400lbs probably felt impossible and be proud of yourself, love yourself and know that you’ve come so far and you will cross that finish line.

    • You are so right. I am more active – I FEEL so much better, and I feel as though I look like a normal person. I am happy with this and I’m really working towards taking the pressure off myself to lose all of the weight I want in a certain time period. Even my husband over the weekend said, “Nobody told you that you have to lose all the weight in a certain amount of time – hell, they didn’t even tell you to lose a certain amount of weigh!”

      He’s very right. I’m healthy, active, and have no co-morbidities, so why all the pressure? I have to let go a little bit. I decided when I joined a gym that I was going to put NO pressure on myself. I used to have a mindset that if I didn’t go to the gym 6-7 times per week and stay for the magic number of 60 minutes that I wasn’t “doing it right” – and I realized how stupid that was! Nobody is watching me and noting how long I’m going to the gym… if I make going to the gym a chore, then I won’t stick with it for the long term. So, if I don’t feel like going – then I just don’t go. If I get there and don’t feel like running and just want to walk for a little bit – that’s what I do! I want to start applying this mindset to losing the rest of the weight… less pressure! Easier said than done, but that’s what I’m working on now!

  3. I would dare to say I think the mental/emotional part of this weight-loss progress is even harder than the physical part of losing weight. I feel I am sort of going through the same things you are, my therapist is also concerned about emotional eating and developing an eating disorder. We talked about obesity as a side effect of a bigger issue we are having in our lives and losing weight doesn’t solve those issues. Your weight-loss is really inspirational and I hope you work out whatever is going on with you. I always look forward to reading your posts and seeing your progress.

    • You are very right. The physical pain of surgery only lasted a week for me. The emotional roller coaster has been getting crazier and crazier for 14 long months! I’ve got to continue to try and get a grip on it! Thanks for the support!

    • Ahhh, I know! I weighed myself every day but one last week. I’m going to try again this week – but this time I’m going to just try to make it until Thursday until I do it again. I think if you weigh yourself every day and don’t let it affect your mood or what you’re eating – then it’s not a big deal. Like I mentioned in a previous post, I was starting to weigh myself multiple times per day, get upset at what I see, stop eating, etc. What a mess! Thanks for your support!

  4. You look great. I had a problem of all or none thinking and it did get me to an eating disorder. Fear of changing anything-addiction to losing and the scale. Then I went to none thinking and gained it all back. Another time I was successful losing a lot and looked great. My clothes were tiny. But I kept trying to lose more to my goal. But my goal was not realistic. So I failed to recognize I was at a good weight. When I couldn’t lose more, I went to the “nothing” thinking and gained 150 pounds. Don’t make my mistakes. You look great. I hope you are not planning to lose much more. Numbers are odd. Some people look obese at 170 and some trim at 200. Also realize you did this to have freedom in your life to do what you want-not to be tied to a scale several times a day!

  5. Oh my goodness! Awesome article dude! Thanks, However I am going through difficulties with your RSS. I don’t know the reason why I am unable to subscribe to it. Is there anybody else getting similar RSS problems? Anybody who knows the solution will you kindly respond? Thanx!!

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