Today marks 8 months since surgery and just under 14 months since I started this whole thing! I’m down 236.8 lbs in that time and I have so much to be thankful for – I can’t even put it into words. I’ve been trying to focus on the positive things going on in my life. Starting February 1st, I’m moving into a new role within my department as a manager, today I finished Week 5/Day 3 of Couch-2-5K and ran for 20 minutes straight (WHATT!?!), and I’m happier than I’ve been in a LONG time.
So, why is this update difficult? Well, I’ve been struggling mentally for the past month, since the time I hit the mid-210s on the scale, I have started to get a bit obsessive with how much I weigh, how much I’m eating, etc. I had gotten to the point a few weeks ago where I was weighing myself multiple times per day and letting that number affect what and how much I was eating. I remember one day a little over a week ago where I weighed in a 208.2 and the next morning was 209.8. I actually started to cry from frustration. NO. BUENO. I’m normally a rational and logical person. I know that fluctuations happen and I know this is normal. However, I can’t seem to keep that in my mind when I see the numbers on the scale. It is worrying me.
I had 3 different instances in the month of December when I exhibited old eating behaviors and “binged” on food. One instance was an entire day of it. The other two were eating a lot at once on two separate days – but the rest of the day was fine. It’s strange… but I have to admit that each time there was no difficulty getting back on track because I didn’t get myself upset about it. I thought that “falling off the wagon” so to speak would leave me feeling like a “failure” and I would feel an overwhelming sense of guilt… but I didn’t. I kept calm and reflected on the situation and tried to figure out why I did it. I guess I’m most bothered by the fact that I can’t seem to identify the WHY. I mean, what made those 3 days different than any other days of the past 14 months? Unfortunately, I haven’t come to any specific conclusions. I can’t pinpoint one particular reason – perhaps it’s just a combination of a lot of little reasons?
So… I talked these things over with my shrink last week and she’s very concerned about some of the behaviors and worrying that I’ve been doing. She flat out told me that she’s concerned that I’m going to develop an eating disorder – and to be honest, I think she has valid concerns. She has insisted I start easing into eating like what I call a “normal” person and incorporating more foods into my diet. She said something along the lines of (and I’m paraphrasing), “I understand that your plan was to go straight through until you get to your goal and then start adding things back into your diet… but from a mental health standpoint… I really think this is something you should get started with right now and get used to doing very slowly… so that you don’t continue to obsess OR go the other direction when you finally hit your goal and just immediately start gaining.”
Basically she’s told me that I need to start relaxing a little bit. The first rule of business is absolutely staying off the scale and only weighing once a week. From last Monday to today, I did that and it was honestly extremely difficult for me. Resisting the urge to get on the scale felt the same as resisting really delicious food. It was overwhelming. The second order of business was incorporating a little more variety in my diet. She has insisted that I do these things for one month, see how it goes, and we’ll discuss it at our next appointment. I got the impression from her that my “all or nothing” type approach… that has been fine until this point, is starting to become mentally unhealthy for me after 14 months of going at it so hardcore.
So, I’m planning to work on staying off the scale as far as changing up the foods I’m eating… I don’t know how I feel about it. I know that I’m going to have to start easing into a more balanced diet at some point; however, I really want to get to goal more than anything. I don’t know what the right thing to do is, but I’m going to take it day by day and see how it goes. I’m proud of everything I’ve done so far and I’m really going to work hard on myself mentally – try to relax a little bit and stop putting such intense pressure on myself. However, that does NOT give me an excuse to get lazy… I’m going to keep telling myself that everyday – for as long as it takes!
So anyway… here are my updated progress pics! I am SO unbelievably grateful for this new life I’m living… I can’t even put it into words!