Keeping my eye on the prize (albeit a different one)

It has been a little while since I’ve checked-in. Things are going ok… I’m still obsessing over the scale a bit too much and I feel like I’m fighting an epic battle for every little ounce that I’ve lost. BUT, I’m doing what I’m supposed to do and that’s what I’m trying to focus on for now. Onderland still seems so far away even though I weighed in at 203 this morning!

I don’t really understand why I can’t just be happy with where I am and trust I’ll get to my goal at some point. I mean, when you think about the fact that I couldn’t even stand for 5 minutes without intense pain 15 months ago (I used to sit down to wash dishes or cook on the stove) and now I’m in the middle of Week 7 of the Couch25k app, it really brings things into perspective. Sunday and today I ran for 25 freaking minutes straight on the treadmill and continued to walk for another 40 minutes. How can I be disappointed with that? The me from 15 months ago would slap the current me silly if she knew I was pissing and moaning about the number on the scale. That version of me never would have dreamed of running for 25 minutes, wearing a size 14 pants/large shirt, and feeling happy/confident in the way that I look and feel. I thought I was mentally prepared for the “slow down” of the weight loss in the last 20-30 lbs… but I guess I wasn’t!

The other day, I went to a work event in an auditorium that I’ve been in many, many times. For the first couple years of working at the University, I couldn’t fit into these chairs. Sitting through an entire day session/workshop/meeting was pure torture. Last July, I fit into these sits a bit better (after losing about 130 lbs) but it still wasn’t pretty. Well, on Monday, I comfortably sat in the seat, pulled out the attached desk and put it down in front of me. Not only that, but these auditorium seats have an outlet in the side of them to plug in your devices (near your hip/thigh area). I could have easily plugged in a device – I NEVER thought that could happen.

Auditorium containing the former seats from Hell!

I’ve decided to try and shift my mental focus to non-scale related goals. I’m beginning to think it’s the only way I’m going to keep my sanity. So here are a few I have been tossing around in my head:

  • Complete the Couch25K app by the end of February
  • I’ve made a date goal/commitment to run up “The Hill” that I mentioned on my blog during our University’s Spring Break (between March 9-15) At that point I’ll be 18 months away from starting this whole thing and just over 3 years out from the original Hill story. Don’t worry, when I do this… I’m going to get someone to videotape it so that I can share!!
  • Run my first (and maybe only, who knows!) 5k sometime in late March/early April

If I can just quit mentally obsessing over the scale, while continuing to follow my plan, and focus on these goals… I will be much better off. I guess part of me feels like if I am not mentally obsessing over the scale and exhausting a ridiculous amount of mental energy on weight loss (like I have been for 15 months), then that somehow means I’ve given up? I don’t know why I feel this way in the back of my head, but if I’m going to get real and be honest here, then I will admit that’s what it feels like to me. But, I know I really need to let it go! I mean…. I’ve come SO far – lost like 241 lbs!! The last 30 shouldn’t seem so impossible/far away, right??!

I’ve been a a bad girl, but I have good news to share!

So…. I’ve been a bad girl! I’ve done a TERRIBLE job this week with my vow to break my scale obsession and weigh myself once per week. I think there was only one day this week that I didn’t get on the scale in the morning…. ugh. I’m not happy about it, because I know that the minute any loss stops I’m going to be frustrated again. I KNOW this is something that I really need to work on and stick to it.

The good news is that after 14 months and 238.6 lbs lost, I have a BMI of 29.9 – which means that this chick is no longer severely morbidly obese, morbidly obese, or obese…. this chick is OVERWEIGHT baby! 🙂 It’s very exciting!

Now, enough celebration… I’ve got to get a grip with the weighing myself thing. Maybe I should focus on just cutting back on weighing myself for now and phase into weighing once per week. I know to some this might seem like a really silly thing to spend so much time thinking about…. but I know that it’s something I need to do. I need to either weigh myself everyday and accept what the number says or I need to chill out and stop weighing so much. Sigh…..

An update that is difficult to write, where do I begin? (long w/ pics)

Today marks 8 months since surgery and just under 14 months since I started this whole thing! I’m down 236.8 lbs in that time and I have so much to be thankful for – I can’t even put it into words. I’ve been trying to focus on the positive things going on in my life. Starting February 1st, I’m moving into a new role within my department as a manager, today I finished Week 5/Day 3 of Couch-2-5K and ran for 20 minutes straight (WHATT!?!), and I’m happier than I’ve been in a LONG time.

So, why is this update difficult? Well, I’ve been struggling mentally for the past month, since the time I hit the mid-210s on the scale, I have started to get a bit obsessive with how much I weigh, how much I’m eating, etc. I had gotten to the point a few weeks ago where I was weighing myself multiple times per day and letting that number affect what and how much I was eating. I remember one day a little over a week ago where I weighed in a 208.2 and the next morning was 209.8. I actually started to cry from frustration. NO. BUENO. I’m normally a rational and logical person. I know that fluctuations happen and I know this is normal. However, I can’t seem to keep that in my mind when I see the numbers on the scale. It is worrying me.

I had 3 different instances in the month of December when I exhibited old eating behaviors and “binged” on food. One instance was an entire day of it. The other two were eating a lot at once on two separate days – but the rest of the day was fine. It’s strange… but I have to admit that each time there was no difficulty getting back on track because I didn’t get myself upset about it. I thought that “falling off the wagon” so to speak would leave me feeling like a “failure” and I would feel an overwhelming sense of guilt… but I didn’t. I kept calm and reflected on the situation and tried to figure out why I did it. I guess I’m most bothered by the fact that I can’t seem to identify the WHY. I mean, what made those 3 days different than any other days of the past 14 months? Unfortunately, I haven’t come to any specific conclusions. I can’t pinpoint one particular reason – perhaps it’s just a combination of a lot of little reasons?

So… I talked these things over with my shrink last week and she’s very concerned about some of the behaviors and worrying that I’ve been doing. She flat out told me that she’s concerned that I’m going to develop an eating disorder – and to be honest, I think she has valid concerns. She has insisted I start easing into eating like what I call a “normal” person and incorporating more foods into my diet. She said something along the lines of (and I’m paraphrasing), “I understand that your plan was to go straight through until you get to your goal and then start adding things back into your diet… but from a mental health standpoint… I really think this is something you should get started with right now and get used to doing very slowly… so that you don’t continue to obsess OR go the other direction when you finally hit your goal and just immediately start gaining.”

Basically she’s told me that I need to start relaxing a little bit. The first rule of business is absolutely staying off the scale and only weighing once a week. From last Monday to today, I did that and it was honestly extremely difficult for me. Resisting the urge to get on the scale felt the same as resisting really delicious food. It was overwhelming. The second order of business was incorporating a little more variety in my diet. She has insisted that I do these things for one month, see how it goes, and we’ll discuss it at our next appointment. I got the impression from her that my “all or nothing” type approach… that has been fine until this point, is starting to become mentally unhealthy for me after 14 months of going at it so hardcore.

So, I’m planning to work on staying off the scale as far as changing up the foods I’m eating… I don’t know how I feel about it. I know that I’m going to have to start easing into a more balanced diet at some point; however, I really want to get to goal more than anything. I don’t know what the right thing to do is, but I’m going to take it day by day and see how it goes. I’m proud of everything I’ve done so far and I’m really going to work hard on myself mentally – try to relax a little bit and stop putting such intense pressure on myself. However, that does NOT give me an excuse to get lazy… I’m going to keep telling myself that everyday – for as long as it takes!

So anyway… here are my updated progress pics! I am SO unbelievably grateful for this new life I’m living… I can’t even put it into words!

Front_1-13-14 back_1-13-14 Left_1-13-14 Right_1-13-14

I’ve made a decision to break up!

I’ve been going a little bit crazy lately. I am so desperately close to several milestones and my body just doesn’t want to give those victories to me lol. At 205.6 lbs, I will be considered “overweight”, I will weigh less than my husband, and I am SO close to onderland! The scale just isn’t cooperating. Yesterday I was 208.2, then for no apparent reason I was 209.8 this morning. This is the dance I’ve been doing with the scale for weeks and it’s really starting to get to me.

So… I don’t know if it’s a wise decision or not, but I’ve decided to break up with my scale. I am a “weigh yourself every day” kind of person… but I’ve recognized lately that I have been WAY too focused on that number – despite feeling my clothes getting bigger and my body changing, I can’t seem to let go of the fact that the scale isn’t moving in the direction or at the speed that I want it to.

Tomorrow I’m going to weigh myself, I’m going to be weighed at a check-up appointment, and then I’m putting my scale away until the next Monday – which just happened to be my 8 month “anniversary” from surgery. I’ve weighed myself every single day for 14 months and I just need to relax for a week. That does NOT mean relax from staying on plan… but relax by letting go of the number fixation. I feel like it’s starting to become unhealthy. NO MORE! At least for now…

Like I said, I don’t know if it’s a good idea or not, but I’m promising right now that I’m going to let go of my obsession for a single week, and see how it goes. Wish me luck lol!