Today is a big day for me and I’m celebrating!! Today is the day that I decided to change my life and get “real” – as I always like to say! On November 20th, 2012, I had my consult with the weight management clinic where I had my surgery and weighed in at 444 lbs. My PCP referred me to this office and for that I am so grateful. At this appointment, the weight management doctor recommended that I have surgery – but I still wasn’t sold on the idea! Either way, I decided to start the six month supervised diet just in case.
It wasn’t until I found the ObesityHelp site and “lurked” for a little while that I decided to have surgery. I saw so many inspirational stories about successes, setbacks, failures, etc. and they gave me so much hope. Yes – even the stories that weren’t all about rainbows, butterflies, and unicorns that shoot skittles out their butts (lol) were inspirational to me. It was so refreshing and helpful to get information and perspectives from people that were actually living my life in a way. There is nobody in my real life that understands the emotional and physical pain that I felt every single day of my life for the past 8 years or so. But, I know that you all do and I found a lot of comfort in that fact.
I can’t tell you how much my life has changed in the last year. I don’t look like the same person and to be honest, I don’t feel like the same person either. Some people claim they haven’t changed after losing weight, well screw that – I’ve changed!! The person writing this post is much happier, confident, and is actually “out there” living life rather than watching it pass me by. However, even though I am getting out and doing more things, I do find myself with a different kind of “social anxiety” now.
In the past, I didn’t want to go places because I was worried about fitting in chairs, breaking chairs, will I be able to walk around, will people be staring at me or harassing me, etc. and that prevented me from living life. Now, I find myself wanting to avoid group social situations with people that haven’t seen me in a while because of the attention that I get. I’m still struggling with receiving so much attention in large groups of people. I’m already dreading the holidays for that reason.
Yes, I am proud of the work I’ve done in the past year, but for some reason the, “I’m so proud of you” and “You are an inspiration” comments are still hard to hear. My therapist summed it up the other day when she said, “It sounds to me like you feel as though you’re some kind of imposter?” She hit the nail on the head there. I know that it’s something I need to continue to deal with and it’s a good thing I’ve been dedicated to not only my eating, but also working on my mental health with a therapist. I would not be where I am right now without getting therapy – of that, I am certain!
Do I have any regrets? Sure I do, don’t we all? But I do NOT have any regrets about going through with surgery. It’s been the best thing I’ve ever done. I’m tempted to say that I wished I had done it sooner like everyone does, but to be honest… I feel like this all happened at a time in my life where I was ready to really make a change. If I had done it sooner, I don’t think I would’ve been in the right mental place and probably wouldn’t’ have had as much success as I’ve had so far.
For anyone that is curious to know, I follow a 600-800 calorie eating plan with 90-100 grams of protein, 25 or less grams of carbs, and aim for 100 oz of water. I eat basically the same exact thing every single day. I eat at exactly the same times every day. For me, this journey had to be about taking away the control that food had over me. Personally, I have found that eating the exact same thing every day and following the exact same schedule has put me on autopilot and in this mode, I do not have to think about “What sounds good for dinner? How can I dress up this diet food to taste better? What kind of “on plan” treat can I have?” If I start giving too much thought to the food I’m eating on a daily basis, it starts to consume me again. I prefer to keep it simple, follow a set of rules, and stick to them. This is not to say though that my eating has been perfect for the last year. Just the other night I went over calories because I was grazing. I was grazing on high protein, low carb food… but it was still mindless eating and I’ve got to get tough and put a stop to it so that it’s not just more than a one time thing.
So, to conclude the novel that I have written here lol… it’s been one crazy year that resulted in 216.8 lbs leaving my body. What a ride. I will never say “216 lbs gone forever” because let’s face it… I let myself get to 444 lbs once and I could certainly do it again. I think it would be silly to pretend that it could never come back. I will probably always fear that I’m one cookie away from severe morbid obesity and a BMI of 63. For now, I’m going to focus on the positives and continue striving for my goal! Here are some before and “during” pictures!
Here is a pic of me wearing the same clothes – one year apart! I don’t even know if the picture shows just how big those clothes are now lol!
Here are some old pictures
Here are some current pictures!
And finally… the progress pictures for this month! Ok… after this, I’m done attention whoring!