Ugh….. I just cringe at the title of this post because it’s depressing to me. Since November 20th, I have been 100% on plan for eating and yesterday I had a long and hard fall off the wagon. I guess it could have been worse, but it certainly should have been much better and I’m still trying to wrap my head around why I let it happen. Here’s the backstory….
In a post a week or so ago, I mentioned that I was starting to feel very frustrated in my six month supervised diet for weight loss surgery (VSG). I felt a little better a few days ago when the scale FINALLY went down to my second goal of 360 after toying with the same 2-3 pounds for awhile. It was a good moment because I was excited to finally have some movement on the scale even though I was still doing everything the way that I was supposed to be doing it!
So, cut to the other day when I had my latest check-in with the doctor for my supervised diet. Technically, the April 3rd visit to the weight management clinic was my 6th weigh-in and last REQUIRED weigh in for the diet – woohoo! The doctor was impressed with my loss and said that after I get the “green light” from my psych evaluation on Tuesday, I am DONE! She would get my information together and write the letter to insurance. While I’m waiting for that approval, I meet with the surgeon (probably late this month), and at that point they give me a tentative surgery date.
I guess I’m feeling restless. It’s driving me crazy that I can’t give work a set date that I’ll be out for surgery. It’s stressing me out. I have a lot of work to do at my full time job and two freelance projects that have to be done in the coming weeks. I just want this whole thing to be over with – I want to move on with my life! To make things worse… I had gained 2-3 pounds from my 360 goal for no reason. Well…. to be honest, I think the reason is that since starting to take vitamins with iron in them, I’m having a lot of trouble in the bathroom area! No matter what I take, I can seem to get things moving and it’s frustrating me.
After my last visit with the doctor, we called me about 15 minutes later and said that she wanted me to continue doing what I was doing, but to only lose about 10 more pounds which would put my BMI at 50. Although I have called the insurance company and verified on our policy that VSG surgery requires a BMI of 40, she keeps insisting that she doesn’t want me to go below 50. How the hell am I supposed to keep eating the same and exercising, yet not lose more than 10 more pounds purposely? My husband thinks that I should just do what she says just in case. He said (in a frustrated tone), “You have worked so hard and who cares if you’re right? Why don’t you do what she says just in case so that I don’t have to say I told you so if you get denied and you’ll be heartbroken!”
So, I’ve been thinking about that a lot and STILL upset that I can’t get ANYTHING happening in the number 2 department (sorry, just being honest) no matter what I take. Well, I had the bright idea yesterday to stop by the convenience store and get a big bottle of chocolate milk (don’t think I could’ve drank regular) because I’m lactose intolerant and desperate and I thought – HA, this will work!! Ok, ok, ok….. what a SUPER STUPID idea… I get it… I drank almost half the calories I have in a day, way more fat, way more carbs, and almost 4 times the sugar – gross!! Then, I came home and ate a bunch of buffalo chicken bites with ranch dressing. I was sick the entire night!!
This is bad behavior…. I think I’m getting stressed, impatient, and restless and this is how it is manifesting itself! I’m back on track today, but of course still can’t go to the bathroom…. ugh! The scale said 365 this morning and I KNOW that I haven’t gained 5 lbs in the past few days from eating poorly last night. Something’s got to give and I’ve got to get myself together!!!! I didn’t want to write this post and admit the failure; however, I thought it was important to write about the bad as well as the good… so here I am admitting my embarrassment to all of you! Thanks for listening!