Is This Separate…. or Together? A Social Experiment

Tonight my husband and I celebrated the 8th anniversary of our first date and really the anniversary of when we became a couple. Because we went to Applebee’s for our first date, we have made it a tradition to go there every year on January 31st.

Something happened tonight that doesn’t always happen, but it happens enough that I take notice. When we were finished eating, the waitress came up to us and said “Will this be on separate checks…….Or together?”

If you’re reading this post and you’re a woman that has dealt with weight issues and has a normal weight, attractive husband then maybe you can see where I’m going with this. It has always been my belief that if you look at my husband and I, we don’t look like we belong together. That’s really just the harsh reality. He’s attractive, and fit. I am not bad looking when I’m not super morbidly obese… but let’s face it, weighing around 400 lbs is not attractive.

I guess I just find it interesting that so many wait staff members at many different restaurants ask if we would like separate checks. I feel as though a big reason is because we don’t look like we belong together as a couple. I mean, we even have wedding rings on for crying out loud! It doesn’t really bother me THAT much, but the Sociology major in me wants to conduct an experiment.

From this point forward, if I go out to eat with just my husband at a place where we are brought a check, I’m going to make note of whether or not we are asked if we’d like separate checks. My hypothesis is that as time goes by and I lose more weight; hence, become more attractive, we will be asked this question a lot less. Of course, these won’t be scientific findings, but it’s a curiosity that I want to satisfy!

Am I just crazy or have you experienced the same thing?


24 thoughts on “Is This Separate…. or Together? A Social Experiment

  1. My hubbie and I go out to dinner usually once a week and are asked if the checks are separate or together about 50/50. When they ask I always think “dont you see the wedding rings and don’t we act like we are together?” we are both equally fat so I know it isn’t the fat/thin thing. I really think servers just hate being asked after the fact to split a bill so many always ask every time.

  2. Wow! That is super crazy, in my opinion. I guess I feel that it is crazy because I never, ever have had that happen to me. We always just are offered one check. Strange, too, because I feel like my husband and I don’t look like we go together, either. And it’s not like we are super affectionate in public. Hmmm. Something to think about for sure.

  3. The funniest split check story that happened to me was that I went to lunch with three co-workers. Me, another woman and two men. We sat at a square table. At the end the server asked if we wanted separate checks or were we all together? We said separate, so she brings us two bills- one for me and one of the guys and one for the other “couple”. That absolutely cracked us up- how did pick which “husband” we were with? Yes, we were all wearing wedding rings, but not to each other!

  4. I think there is something to it. I am not married, so do not have that comparison, but when I did go out with guys for dinner, they always asked about the check, instead of assuming we were together. Interesting. I cannot wait to hear about your findings. Could just be the habit of the staff where you go out to eat though too. But would be interesting to find out the results. I will say, after losing over 120 pounds, I am treated differently in stores, restaurants and other public arenas. I am not saying it is all on the other person. For, now I smile more, I am more outgoing, I make eye contact and I am usually always in a good mood now. Before, not so much. So perspective changes internally as we change outwardly. Do not let it get you angry or become bitter though. Just see the new blessings for what they are; blessings.

  5. Thanks for all of your comments! Just an update…. I decided to ask my friend if she has ever experienced this with her husband. They dine in the same kinds of places and live in the same town… HOWEVER, they are both attractive people of normal weight. Her response… (that I copied and pasted)

    “NO!!!! NEVER has that happened. Why, did that happen to you last night??”

    I think there is something to it!!

    • Just found your blog link on the OH website in your signature. So glad I did! Trying to decide if I want a blog or just to continue with my youtube channel. (which I’ve started recording, but haven’t had the guts to upload). I think I’m going to go for the youtube, though. WTH!?

      Anyways, I had to comment. That has never happened to us, but I can totally relate. My hubs is attractive, fit, athletic, whatever you want to say… all of the above. I often feel like people must look at us and think wow she did good or how did she catch him? Or worse…. why is he with her, he could do better! Who knows if anyone thinks it or not, but the fact that I do is a problem. One of the many things I hope to change with WLS. Someday in the not to distant future, I hope to be thinking people are looking at us and wondering how he caught me!?

      • I’m so glad that you found the link too! I would love to check out your blog or YouTube site if you get things up and running. I HATE pictures and video of me.. but I have decided to move forward with a YouTube channel when I get closer to being post op. Reading and watching videos have just been SO helpful to me that I feel like I want to “give back” in a way!

        I know that my self-consciousness related to having an attractive husband has weighed heavily on my mind for years. I can SO relate to you! I would love it if people saw us together and said “he’s one lucky guy!!” lol… we will get there someday girl!

  6. Pingback: Is This Together or Separate? Update! | Flirty by Thirty

  7. It never happened to me, but I never felt like my boyfriend and I looked like we belonged together until I lost weight. I have known him over 20 years. Back in our 20’s, he was a typical tall super-lean basketball player at our college and I was obese. I felt like we looked like Laurel and Hardy. I don’t remember ever getting asked if we wanted separate checks, though, but I was always self-conscious around him. It was one of the reasons I broke up with him. I did find him after I lost weight and we have been back together 4 years now. I feel like we look like we belong together now, which does put my mind at ease.

    • Girl! I know EXACTLY how you feel. I recently met some of my husband’s work friends and all I could think was that when they all got in the car they were probably instantly saying “WOAH, I didn’t expect Randy to married to someone like HER!” My husband can’t understand what I’m talking about… he just tell me he loves me and to not worry about it… but it’s tough!! How could I not feel insecure! I’m so glad to hear that you two are back together!

  8. Pingback: Flirty by Thirty | Overweight/Obese Women with Fit Men

  9. It will be interesting to see the outcome of your experiment as you continue (I know you’ve already lost a lot) to lose weight. Sorry this has happened to you, but perhaps it does have more to do with the waiter not wanting to split tabs after the fact, but when we’re down on ourselves we do keep a look out for those types of things. I hope one day this is just something silly you can laugh about, (like that busted chair at the Lakers game:)

  10. I’m really impressed with your writing skills and also with the layout on your weblog. Is this a paid theme or did you customize it yourself? Either way keep up the excellent quality writing, it is rare to see a great blog like this one these days.

    • Thank you! The theme I use for this site is the Newsworthy theme, I don’t believe that I had to pay for it (can’t quite remember). You can customize it though with different fonts/colors!

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  12. I found your blog through OH. I am planning on having surgery in November( my husband will be also).
    We have never had this happen. If we are with another couple then yes they do ask, but never has a waiter/waitress asked us if we were together or seperate checks. We are both overweight though and also have a toddler so that may make it seem more like a family.
    Great blog! Im thinking of starting one to track my weight loss journey! 🙂

    • Thanks for reading! I HIGHLY recommend writing a blog, even if you don’t share it with others, to track your journey. DEFINITELY take pictures… even if you don’t intend on sharing them with anyone. They have been a HUGE help to me in seeing progress when I’m feeling like my hard work isn’t even noticeable!! I’m excited for your new adventure!!

  13. Pingback: Flirty by Thirty | How Things are Changing Post Weight Loss

    • I have not been asked if we wanted separate checks in over two years lol. In fact, waitresses immediately put the (together) check right in front of my husband on his side of the table lol…. I now weigh about 30 lbs less than him!

      • I was a server and bartender for about 20 years now that I have an accounting job for the restaurant I work in I have put on quite a bit of weight. My fiancée works out every day and is very fit but I am at about 200 Now and I am very short. We have been asked if we are together or separate 3 of the last 4 times we have went out. Mind you this is on Friday or Saturday nights around 8 pm and it’s just the 2 of us! Drives me nutty! Mainly because I feel that if it were reversed and he was chubby and I was my normal size they wouldn’t ask that. It tends to hurt my feelings quite honestly. Oh and even though we are engaged he wears a ring too and we are always laughing and having a great time. After 6 years together we are still crazy happy and in love so it’s kind of hurtful. I was actually googling to see if anyone else has come across this when I found what you wrote. Oh and I never asked 2 tops if they wanted 1 Check or 2, I would bring 1 Check then if they wanted to split they would let me know. That way no one’s feelings could get hurt.”0

      • Hey there. Sorry to hear you experienced this as well. I do know that once I started losing weight, we were no longer asked this question. We are now divorced and I go on a lot of dates. I’m still maintaining my loss and then men I go out with are typically pretty fit – we are never asked if we want separate checks. It’s an interesting thing to notice…

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